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Before even beginning to think about becoming paparazzi, ask yourself one very important, soul-searching question: Am I prepared to face humiliation, ridicule, and scorn at the hands of the very people on which my livelihood depends?

For the most part, celebrities will hate you. Sure, you may get the occasional starlet who, starved for attention, actually seeks you out. But these are the exceptions, not the rules, and chances are those attention seekers will look to a more experienced member of the “press.” And don’t think the general public will respect you either. You’re not newsmedia. Nope, to them you’re like a pusher-man: a blight on humanity peddling wares we publicly demonize but secretly devour. Don’t expect any medals.

Okay, now we can move on to the logistics of entering the profession.

1. The Equipment
First, you need a good camera. Go digital and be willing to spend some money, because you want something with a high cycle rate. You ever wonder why paparazzis are able to take so many consecutive photos? It’s the high cycle rate. Besides, in this industry, speed matters and raw footage is valued over artistry. You don’t want to miss a prime crotch shot because you were busy setting up for the perfect photograph. Make sure you have extra memory sticks on hand, as well as various lenses for different types of shots. The key is to be prepared for any situation.

(Extra Tips)
Consider buying a hidden camera.

2. Location, Location, Location
If you’re gonna be a paparazzi, you should probably live where the stars live: LA or New York. There’s nothing more pathetic and futile than a would-be paparazzi living in Akron. Now, Los Angeles is definitely more celeb-dense than New York, but you’ll also be dealing with a lot of competition from other photographers. New York is big, tumultuous, and less star-heavy, but at least you won’t have to fight off hordes of other paparazzi to get a picture. Though LA has the advantage of being car-friendly, so you won’t rely on spotty public transportation or expensive cab rides to zoom around town, traffic is a major concern.

3. Work From the Inside
Whether it’s other paparazzi, industry insiders, or the stars themselves, no one’s gonna give you anything for free. Make friends at popular nightspots. Bouncers are privy to sensitive material and usually accept bribes; try to develop a stable of informers at restaurants, clubs, boutiques, and bars frequented by celebs. You’ll have to pay them well, but doing so will give you a leg up on the competition. I also recommend having at least one friend from each major studio on hand. Film sets are great places to catch stars at their most relaxed, and candid shots fetch the highest prices.

4. Weigh the Risks
Is the shot worth a run-in with an angry bodyguard? Before getting yourself into a sticky situation, weigh the risks and benefits of going through with the operation. Don’t fight a bodyguard for yet another shot of J-Lo’s ass. It’s been done to death, and you won’t get much for it (beyond maybe a black eye). But if you have the chance to catch Lindsay Lohan endulging in a little Bolivian nose candy, the resultant payday might be worth a few bumps and bruises.

5. Getting Paid
Photo evaluators at the major tabloids consider five basic elements before bidding on a picture: subject, subject’s actions, authenticity, picture quality, and exclusivity. Basically, they want exclusive rights to genuine pictures of popular celebrities doing interesting/scandalous things in super high resolution. If you can provide all that, you might be on your way to becoming paparazzi.

6. Submissions
Try the following top tabloids once you have some quality material to submit:
People Weekly: Contact the editor at editor@people.com or call (212)522-6699.
National Enquirer: To submit a tip or photo, call (800)609-4708.
Star Magazine: Either email Tips@StarMagazine.com or call (800)609-8312.

Extra Tips and Reminders
-Invest in a hidden, pen or phone camera for undercover operations
-Be prepared to climb trees and scale walls
-Take all photos on public property to avoid lawsuits; if that means dangling from a public tree over private property to get the shot, so be it
-Don’t quit your day job; paparazzin can be inconsistent and fickle

It all comes down to diligence, good equipment, and good leads, with a bit of luck sprinkled in. Following these guidelines won’t guarantee a lucrative career, but it’ll give you a fighting chance.

***Picture Thanks to Hussain Isa***