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Ah, beer. Is there anything more magnificent? No, not the domestic swill commonly found in beer hats and dorm rooms (any brew meant for straws or frat parties should never be consumed by our refined, informed readership). I’m talking microbrews. You could hit the local premium grocery store, but ten dollar six-packs of local microbrews can hurt the wallet. So what is the discerning palate to do? Get proactive and self sufficient: homebrew!

What follows is a basic step-by-step guide to brewing your own beer. Once you’ve mastered this, you can try making more intricate brews with different ingredients. But even if you don’t, our guide will help you produce some of the best beer you’ve ever tasted.

The key to good beer is quality ingredients and sterile equipment. A few things you’ll need to obtain:
-Malt extract
-Specialty grains
-Hops
-Yeast
-Good drinkable water (non-chlorinated mineral water works well)
-Large stock pot
-5 gallon food grade plastic bucket with an airtight lid (or a professional fermenter)
-Air lock
-5 feet of food grade plastic tubing
-Priming sugar or dried malt extract (DME)
-Bottle filler
-Bottle capper
-At least 48 12oz glass bottles with caps

Many of these items will come packaged in brew kits available at your local brewing supply shop. If you’re not fortunate enough to live somewhere with a vibrant brewing community, never fear. Kits can be ordered online.

Okay…ready to brew?

1. Sterilize, sterilize, sterilize
The slightest bit of bacteria can throw off your entire batch, so make sure to thoroughly clean anything that might be involved in the brewing process. Use hot soapy water, but be careful not to scrub so hard that you scratch your equipment; those scratches can harbor hard-to-reach bacteria. Follow up with an iodine solution wash, and be sure to rinse and drain well.

2. Beer tea
Fill a mesh bag with your grains. Treating them like a giant tea bag, steep your grains in 3 gallons of hot (about 150 degrees F) water for thirty minutes. Dump the grains and let the bag drain into the pot. You may be tempted to squeeze the bag, but don’t! This releases tannins and gives the finished product an astringent flavor.

3. Malt and Hops
Add the malt extract and bring the mixture to a boil, taking care that the brew doesn’t boil over. Here’s where you have to make a decision. When you add the hops determines the bitterness, taste, and aroma levels. Add them relatively early, boil for awhile, and you’ll get a bitter beer (think Sierra Nevada pale ale). Adding them later in the process and boiling less will bring out the hoppy flavor and aroma, but not the bitterness. Your choice. Experiment!

4. Just chill
Stop the heat and let it cool or plunge the pot into an ice bath. Either way, let the temperature cool to around 80 degrees, but not less than 70. If you’re eager to get to the finished product, do the ice bath (regardless, you’re still gonna have to wait a couple weeks for fermentation…sucker!).

5. Transfer
Transfer the cooled down broth to your fermenter. A little splashing here and there is good, because oxygen is great food for the yeast you’re about to add. Try to keep any sediment from getting into the fermenter and use a strainer to catch most of the hops. Add water to make five gallons. Toss in the yeast, cover your fermenter, and apply the airlock (which some people fill with water, but we fill ours with Vodka). Store the stuff in a dark place with a stable temperature. After a day or so, the airlock should be happily bubbling away. This means fermentation is taking place!

6. Waiting sucks
But you gotta do it. For best results, allow your beer to do a phase one fermentation for at least two weeks then transfer it to another (sterile) five gallon drum and let it ferment for another 2 weeks. If the bubbling stops sooner, go ahead and bottle.

Note: If you simply can’t wait and/or are a 12th century Norseman, skip the next steps, go right ahead and dip your drinking horn into your new brew. You deserve it, Sven!

7. Bottling
Now it’s time to bottle. First, boil your priming sugar in a bit of water, let it cool, and add it to the fermented brew. This will bring about the carbonation we all love so much. Making sure any sediment has settled to the bottom, attach the hose to the bottler. Fill the hose with water, stick the open end into the beer, and press down on the bottler to start the water flowing. As the water drains, the beer will fill the hose. Keep bottling.

8. Storage
Leave a bit of airspace at the top of each bottle. The room taken up by the bottler should be just the right amount. Once a bottle is full, cap it immediately. Store everything at room temperature for at least a week. We recommend two weeks. After that, refrigerate. Also, throw some glasses into the freezer. This is fine brew and it deserves the best.

9. Drink it!
Taking care to leave the sediment in the bottle, pour it slowly into your frosted mug. Put the glass to your lips and cock that bastard back. At this point, a large chug is highly recommended. Try to get at least a third of the glass in the first go. Wiping foam off your face with the back of your hand is optional, but greatly enhances the experience. Now isn’t that the best beer you’ve ever tasted?